How I Learned to Talk with my Husband

Growing up, I always thought that I was fairly good at communicating. Two of my literary heroines, who I sought to emulate, are Anne Shirley, from Anne of Green Gables, and Elizabeth Darcy, from Pride and Prejudice. Spirited and convicted, these two women are not afraid to speak up for themselves. In a similar way, I often thought that I did a fairly good job speaking up for myself and my beliefs. As I matured and grew, I tried harder to temper everything with love and compassion, while still being my straightforward self. With many solid friendships among men and women, I thought that I was excellent at communication. 

However, when I first began dating the man who is now my husband, I discovered what a horrible communicator I really was.

To give you an example (trust me, I have plenty!), let me tell you about a Friday evening during a college semester, about a month and a half into our engagement. We didn’t really have any established plans  that night (we’re very laid back people), but there was an activity on campus later that night which potentially sounded like fun to me. So I just let that thought float around in my mind as I read some homework books in the lobby of Jacob’s dormitory. He was playing ping pong with other students, and I figured: Hey, that’s great. He’ll play ping pong for a bit, then maybe we’ll head over to the other activity. 

As I kept reading, he kept playing, and finally I decided I was done with my reading. And he kept playing while I watched. But…but…what about me? Putting a good face on it, I bottled all of my frustrated feelings inside.  At some point, (it’s hard to remember exactly how it happened, since this was a random incident 2+ years ago) we went outside for a walk. And, being the drama queen that I am, I tearfully sniffled away and at first wouldn’t speak. Then, I let it all out in bursts of sorrow and tormented anguish.

Because in my mind, I had this fun idea (which, naturally, I didn’t tell Jacob about) to go to a potentially fun campus activity at some point. And since he was playing ping pong for a while in the dorm, obviously he intended to play all night and ruin my hopes and dreams for the evening. But did I want to potentially hurt Jacob’s feelings—since his heart must be set on playing ping pong all night—and ask him if we could do something different? Nope, not at all.

Thankfully, he is a very patient and blunt man, and talked through everything with me. In the end, the night was really enjoyable, and it taught me a lot. I learned that I had much to work on in the area of communication!

from rebloggy.com

Y’all may have read this story in total shock at my utter lack of logic and good communication. [deep breaths, people-it'll get better soon] I unfortunately had been so deeply influenced by the culture, that I fell into the trap of passivity when (not) communicating with my significant other. Take an honest look at the examples of non-communication that you have been given through various mediums. Whether from books, movies, or other women, we discover a million excuses to not honestly communicate with our husbands or boyfriends. To name a few:

He's so tired and stressed out when he comes home from work; I can’t talk with him about any of my problems, issues, or difficulties.

I need to be gentle with him, so that he doesn’t feel that I’m belittling his sense of manly pride by making a small critique or offer an opposing viewpoint.

Women and men think differently. Therefore, I need to embrace my coy, feminine self and sidestep around issues, since that’s naturally how I operate. He just needs to figure me out better.

I don’t want to nag him, so I can’t ask him to do this chore a different way or treat me differently.

Lest you think that I pull these kinds examples out of thin air, let me give you some concrete sources where you can find similar reasoning. First off, there’s a lovely set of old-fashioned holy cards I've seen in many Catholic bookstores; laminated rectangles that have a picture of the Holy Family, with prayers for a husband or wife, on the front. Awesome, right? (they actually are quite lovely on the front) And then you look at the back of the cards, where you see listed “Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful Wife/Husband.” What are a few of these rules?

Avoid arguments. Your husband has his share from other sources.

Keep your household troubles to yourself.

Keep your business problems and troubles where they belong.

I also want to bring up this little article that I found, of "tricks" to help me learn to communicate with my husband.  Among other things, this article recommends that women, when they are passively trying to get their husbands to do certain chores or tasks, “reward good behavior—the sexier the better.” It also advises that wives “lead by example;” meaning, when they see their husbands do a household chore in a way that they don’t like, the wives can pointedly show their husbands “what works for me,” so that the husbands can then immediately change their ways and act according to what their wives demonstrated.

Keeping this in mind, I ask you: 

When we…
“Reward” our husbands (or boyfriends) for “good behavior,”

“Lead by example” and expect them to automatically know what we wish or desire,

Keep our problems to ourselves, and

Avoid arguments or disagreements at all costs…

Are we belittling them by thinking that they can't handle the truth? 
Are we trying to “train” our husbands to behave as we want them to behave? 
Are we trying to create a peaceful harmony of non-communication? 
Are we embracing passivity instead of actively building true communication and togetherness?

Let me tell you what I’ve experienced.

When you try to pull the passive card, where you bottle up your feelings, problems, and thoughts so as to “not stress him out,” you may succeed at keeping a semblance of peace for a while. I truly believe that most women who act in this way, as I often did, have the best intentions at heart. We just want to love and respect our men, not wear them down with problems! You just put a good face on, smile, and not think about all those little things that bugged you earlier in the week. After all, they’re just little nuisances, and not anything to worry about, right? 

After a while, little things pile on more little things, and you continue to keep it all bottled up inside. The pressure builds and builds, but you figure, Hey, I just need to get over myself and not be so petty. So you don’t say anything. And then, one day, you explode. The pent-up stress floods out, perhaps the tears pour down, and maybe you even stomp off, leaving a bewildered husband or boyfriend standing on the sidewalk, wondering what just happened?

Every time I would go through my post-bottled-up explosion, I would rediscover the gift of honest communication. Actually talking with Jacob about things made me feel better, brought me true tranquility (not just a semblance of superficial peace), and pulled us even closer together as a couple.

I have learned that:
If there’s something bugging me—even if it’s small—it’s helpful to talk with my husband about it. If it truly is a small thing, we resolve it in a couple minutes, and it’s gone into past history. If it winds up being indicative of a larger issue, then we resolve it accordingly before it turns into an even bigger problem.

If I bottle things up for days, weeks, or months, that tenses me up and makes me more stressed. But, if I bring things up as they happen, I’m a lot calmer, more understanding, less over-the-top dramatic, and way more peaceful.

In my zeal to communicate with my husband, I shouldn’t talk his ear off the second he walks in the door, flooding him with all of my joys, sorrows, and problems. But, neither should I wait until the “perfect time” magically presents itself. I can purposefully carve out a time with him to specifically discuss different important topics as they arise, not wait for them to pop up a week or two later.

Just because men and women communicate differently does not mean that women should be coy and sidestep around issues. I know that many women don’t want to spell things out for their husbands or boyfriends, and instead want these poor guys to read their minds, but let’s face it: this does not create fruitful dialogue at all. It is completely obvious to me that my husband and I think differently—but does this mean we can’t communicate in an open, blunt manner? Nope, not at all.

What’s more conducive to good communication in relationships?

A woman who sidesteps and doesn’t actually say what she means, hoping that the man will eventually get a hint or ask her to explain herself further? 

Or, a woman who openly talks to her significant other in an honest and transparent manner as they reach a mutual understanding?

Although some may disagree with me, I want to point out that several months ago in one of his songs, Justin Bieber brought up this issue as a relevant problem that is difficult in relationships. 

What do you mean? Oh, oh

When you nod your head yes

But you wanna say no

What do you mean? Hey-ey

When you don't want me to move

But you tell me to go

What do you mean?

Oh, what do you mean?

In fact, I find it really interesting that he was criticized by a woman who thought that this song promotes rape. Justin Bieber then clarified things during an interview with Ryan Seacrest:

"Well, girls are often just flip-floppy. They say something and they mean something else. So ... what do you mean? I don't really know, that's why I'm asking."

I hear ya, Bieber. I don’t get it, either, and it kind of makes me crazy. I think this is a bit of a problem in our culture, too. And do you know what? 

I’m also trying to do my part to change this problem.

I’m trying to communicate with my husband openly and honestly.

I’m trying to practice patient, loving, transparent dialogue. 

I’m trying to respect the fact that my husband deserves the truth, not some bewildering passive sidestepping around an issue. 
I’m trying to know that my husband cares about me, and legitimately wants to love me and help me become a better person—and he can’t do that when I’m refusing to be open with him. 

I’m trying to become more deeply united with my husband in our marriage—how can we do that if we’re continually communicating on different frequencies?

In short, I’m trying to love my husband more by communicating with him better.

I’m not claiming that he and I are perfect at communicating, but I can honestly tell you that over the past 4+ years of being together—first as friends, then while dating, engaged, and now married—my husband and I have grown tremendously in our communication. I can honestly tell you that I cannot think of a single thing out there of which I am nervous or hesitant to discuss with my husband. Honest, open communication has brought us so closely together as friends and as a married couple-it's so epic! Learning how to talk with my husband may have been painful and difficult at times, but it was so worth it. 

We don't need to read tons of articles about "tricks" to communicate with our husbands. Instead, I recommend a different tactic: Talk with him. 
Don't talk around him, don't talk at him, but talk with him. You'll be amazed at how your communication and intimacy as a couple can improve by doing this one simple action! 

You may also be interested in this really awesome story about another couple's growth in communication, over at I Believe in Love!