On Family Traditions

Perhaps your family eats Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Or, maybe you always open one gift on Christmas Eve before slipping off to bed. You might participate in a "turkey trot" together each Thanksgiving, or alternatively you curl up on the couch to watch endless Christmas movies while you sink into that post-Turkey relaxation. Traditions vary from household to household, but many families have them. These family traditions can be reassuring and comforting. Knowing that a certain practice will happen on an upcoming holiday can fill us with gleeful anticipation.

But, what if our family traditions cause more stress than jubilation? What if they create more tension than harmony? What if they force us to fit a mold that we have outgrown?



This whole topic is one that has fascinated me in the past several years of marriage. Prior to marriage, I never thought much about the "clash of traditions" that happens when two people-from different families-come together to create their own household. This topic was barely touched upon in any marriage preparation materials; outside of one segment in the course of our Engaged Encounter weekend, I didn't hear much about this. Thankfully, we haven't experienced a tremendous amount of difficulty in this area, but every single year, I see married women asking for advice (or venting frustrations) on social media as they deal with a conflict of "family traditions."

If a wife has always celebrated Easter doing certain activities with her family, and her husband has always celebrated Easter doing different activities with his family, then what happens? Some families alternate years, so that they can still celebrate with their families-of-origin. Other families cram in multiple get-togethers on one day. Other families move holiday celebrations before the holiday actually occurs, as they seek to find the best alignment of schedules.

In some cases, couples decide that they are going to start their own new "family traditions," to help create a unique family culture with their children. I cannot count how many women post online that My husband and I have a baby now, and we want to start some holiday traditions-so tell me what you do in your house! These brainstorming lists can be great resources, but I've also personally found it easy to fall into a trap: The idea of thinking that we can just decide what will be "family traditions," and then force ourselves to fit into those practices every single year.

When my husband and I first got married, I was so excited to try out some new "family traditions." I eagerly put up a Jesse Tree with makeshift paper ornaments. Someday, I figured, we could make or purchase better ornaments, but these would work for the time. Every year after that, the Jesse Tree seemed less successful. I'd forget to read a Scripture passage for it one night. We'd go out of town and wouldn't get around to playing "catch up" when we got back. Once our kids started coming, it got even more challenging, and this lovely tradition started feeling like one great big hassle. I was trying to force a "family tradition" that wasn't actually doing much to benefit our family. So, this year, we're not doing the Jesse Tree. Maybe we'll try it again someday, maybe not. Something we have done is an Advent Tea. While it's looked different every year, setting aside some time to drink tea and eat treats as we prepare for Christmas fits quite naturally into our life right now. We've only done this for three years, and I don't know how long it will work for our family. Someday, maybe we'll celebrate the "Fifteenth Annual Advent Tea," or perhaps we'll never reach that point. Regardless, it's OK-we'll just keep doing what works for us, and see what happens.

Sometimes, in our desire to create meaningful moments, we can cling to the idea that we "need" to have cherished traditions even just a few years into marriage or parenthood. Yet, coming from the Latin tradere ("to hand down, transmit, teach"-according to Wheelock's), "tradition" involves more than sticking a label on a practice and treating it as a hallowed, non-negotiable family event. What messages do our "family traditions" truly transmit to our children and to others? What do these practices teach? Are they longingly awaited and fruitful in our lives, or have they become sources of stress and chaos that we only do "because it's tradition"?

Instead of trying to purposefully manufacture "family traditions" in our homes, what if we took ourselves less seriously and simply enjoyed the moment? After the holiday season, when life slows down, perhaps we can look back and see what has organically sprung up and grown. Maybe we'll be able to see what has born fruit in our homes and families.

I don't know what the answers are to the "family tradition" dilemmas that plague many couples this time of year. I honestly doubt that there's one "right answer," because this is probably unique to each person's situation and life. However, I do think that we need to discuss this topic more. Instead of ignoring this issue in marriage preparation, we can honestly talk about it and share ways to work through "family tradition" conflicts that may arise. Instead of whisking our children from one house to another as we try to placate every relative, perhaps we can openly examine and discuss what our children (and ourselves) really need. If we have figured out "family traditions," that's wonderful-let's share our experiences with other people (single and married) as we encourage them in their own journeys.

I hope that you all have a very blessed and peaceful end to Advent, and a wonderful beginning of the Christmas season!