It's OK to say "no" to a good thing (even when it's about the spiritual life)

There comes a time in everyone's life when he or she will have to pick between a few options that all seem good. In fact, many of us are fortunate to face this dilemma several times throughout life; instead of having to pick between a good thing and a bad thing, we have to pick between a number of wonderful options. This can be a difficult process (you can't rule anything out immediately-they're all so good!), but we usually simplify it by deciding what aligns with our priorities and/or what seems to be the greatest good for us. We make a choice, commit, and go on with life. As we go through this process repeatedly, it becomes easier, especially when an overthinker like me realizes that not every single decision is worth deliberating over endlessly. 

However, we can seriously struggle when it comes to practices and programs that pertain to the spiritual life. After all, this is about one's soul, so everything--from the smallest Lenten penance to the biggest prayer program--suddenly grows larger and larger, and we begin to fear that we can't say "no" to anything. It's about God, so naturally, we say yes. We also may be afraid that we'll look like a "bad Catholic" if we don't do every single devotion that "all the Catholics" are doing. 

So, we decide to Do All the Things. 

Sometimes, a devotion or practice we've picked up unenthusiastically (believing that "everyone online is doing it, so we will too") unexpectedly grabs hold of us and we discover new and beautiful ways in which God is helping us grow. 

Yet, other times, we look around and wonder why we are so busy, so stressed, and so overwhelmed when we're doing countless holy practices to grow closer to God. Confused, we may decide to add a novena to our whole list of things as we beg God to give us some small amount of peace. 

We may have heard the term "discernment" before, in relation to praying about what vocation God is calling each of us to, but we've also decided that we don't want to become "over-discerners" who endlessly discern and never seem to commit to a decision. Plus, we're afraid of what will happen if we "discern incorrectly" and wind up choosing a prayer practice that doesn't really touch the needs of our souls. Better play it safe and Do All the Things, we figure. 

But, my friends, there is value in a level of discernment when it comes to the spiritual life. We don't have to sit and discern every single prayer and devotion we do, but when it comes to certain prayer regimes or programs, there can be enormous benefit in praying about whether or not we should commit to something. 

I find myself thinking of this topic every single year around this time, as countless men prepare for the Exodus 90 program (a ninety-day program that focuses on prayer, asceticism and fraternity while meditating on the book of Exodus). The program is well organized, intentional, and has born a lot of good fruit in the lives of many people-including those who are seeking freedom from certain lifestyle choices and/or addictions. 

The program has become so popular that different programs geared toward women have sprung up, since some people claim that "ladies shouldn't do Exodus 90" (I find myself wondering if St. Mary of Egypt, St. Paula, and all the other female ascetics of the early Church would agree with that statement, but I digress). These women-only programs have been growing in popularity as well, and it's beautiful to know that so many people are making the intentional effort to conform their lives to Christ as they begin the new year. 

However, I've noticed that there's a tendency in some circles for these programs to become a fad, a current craze. "Everybody is joining them," so when a friend asks if you want to join his or her group, you immediately jump right in. You figure that "everybody's doing it," so clearly, if you want to be a "good Catholic," you believe that you need to do it, too.  

But.

What if that particular program is not actually what your soul needs right now? What if God is moving and working in your heart in different ways? What if you need to focus these other ways instead of whatever program your friends are doing? 

Some people really do benefit from these programs, especially if that's what their soul, marriage, and/or family life needs right now. And it’s that “if” that gets me. I don't think we should sit around and judge whether people who sign up for any of these ninety-day programs “need” that regime or not. It’s for each person (and his or her spouse, in the case of a married couple) to discern and figure out. But, we do all need talk about the necessary discernment. Even the official Exodus 90 website states that "Exodus 90 is not for every man at every time of his life."

Yet, when so many friends, parishioners, or people online are choosing a good program (that pertains to the spiritual life!) we sometimes neglect to do that discernment. We can't see how--or why--we should say "no" to something that seeks to help people grow in virtue. 

The spiritual classic Unseen Warfare, by Lorenzo Scupoli, edited by Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain, and revised by Theophan the Recluse, touches on the topic of discernment when adopting spiritual regimes. It discusses the ways in which the devil 

"urges us to undertake excessive and untimely efforts for spiritual perfection, in order to cast us down into the abyss at the moment when we imagine we stand on the summit" (195). 

It details various extremes that we can be tempted to fall into, and the reader is advised to "use good judgement in undertaking feats of physical asceticism, when there is a need for them." It concludes that 

"Therefore a moderate and orderly mode of life, controlled by reason, which takes into account the requirements of the soul and the particular constitution of the body, together with its state of health, are less dangerous and more useful for both the soul and for the body" (197). 

Discernment is good for the soul, and even if we do not have a spiritual director who personally guides us in discernment, we still must avail ourselves of prayerful, thoughtful decision-making.

I recently went through this very process. A woman from my parish reached out to some other ladies and I, inviting us to join one of the ninety-day programs for women. I researched the program, and it looked beautiful. It had great reviews. I thought about these Very Cool Women from my parish, and I knew that I would love an excuse to do this program with them. Even as I realized that I didn't want to overextend myself, and that I didn't really want to put a long-term commitment on my calendar at this time, the FOMO was strong.

Then I realized: I already have a spiritual classic that I’ve been wanting to slowly, prayerfully work through this winter and spring. I also have a stack of other spiritual books that I've been eager to dive into. Why should I push those things aside and do this other program instead?

Plain and simple: because I didn’t want to miss out on something that "all the cool Catholic ladies" were doing together with their beautiful, glossy books. 

I thought about how my very worn, used copy of a spiritual classic by St. Ignatius has been sitting on my bookshelf for months. It’s one that I really feel drawn to, and think will truly help my spiritual life. I thought about the other spiritual books that I've been longing to read and grow with. I thought about how I'm trying to deepen my own personal prayer as well as my prayer and dialogue with my husband. These are actual goals and objectives I’ve thought about, prayed about, and need to keep working on—and if I cast them all aside to join this other program, what am I actually accomplishing?

I am so excited to start off the year with Catherine Doherty!
I'm only a couple chapters in, but I am loving it so far. 

For the sake of my soul, I decided not to join the trendy program at this time. Not because the program is bad, but because after prayerful, thoughtful discernment, I've realized that it's not what best fits the needs of my soul and life right now. 

There is a time in my life when I would have automatically said "YES! Sign me up, I want to do All the Things. If it's about God, then it absolutely is what my soul needs right now!" Over the years though, especially as I've worked through therapy, grown in my relationship with God, grown in my relationship with my husband, and birthed a few babies, I've realized that discernment about these types of commitments is important. I've also been learning that it's okay—even good—to do what will benefit your particular spiritual life. Even if it’s not the program that “everyone else is doing.”

“I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:1-2)