The Five Words that I'm Praying On Repeat

"Jesus, I trust in You." 

A plea, an act of hope and faith, entrusting all that we have to Our Lord. While this pious ejaculation is succinct, it can be so very difficult to put into practice. Sure, we can say we trust Jesus, but do we live that reality? And what does living a life of trust look like when the concerns and worries of life creep into our lives and start shaking our peace? 


When the first slight, rolling ripples of nausea came, I thought I had just eaten too much Christmas candy. 

Source.

Lazing about in the cold days at the end of the Octave, I curled up like a bear, warm blankets piled on top of me. The thought, the question, did cross my mind a time or two, but I shook it away with a firm No, I refuse to take another test this year and be disappointed by a negative result. Another long cycle, but breastfeeding + postpartum can make for some fertility unpredictability, so I didn't think much of it. January 1 dawned, and with it the Solemnity to begin the new year. We pushed through the cold to Mass and the waves got deeper, stronger. Upon returning home, I went through the motions that countless other women across the country go through each year, and I stared with hope and disbelief at what I saw. But this is lying to me, right? This is just too good and wonderful to be true. Several hours later, same result. 

Immediately, the prayer began rushing through my mind and heart: Jesus, I trust in You. 

Even filled with a tremendous amount of peace, the uneasiness started to creep in. There's a terror that can grip your heart ever-so-slightly, no matter how hard you try to fight it off. As we eagerly began telling family, friends, neighbors, people at the library, and fellow parishioners, I tried to focus on the prayer that was resonating in my heart: Jesus, I trust in You. 

When seemingly out of nowhere the fatigue would come spinning in with waves of nausea, the thankful  prayer was there: Jesus, I trust in You.

When mornings would dawn and no nausea squeezed my stomach, the prayer sought to silence the worries that were anxious to creep in: Jesus, I trust in You.

When I sat up the night before that fateful first appointment, grasping for hope and peace, the prayer kept running at me, the words evenly spaced with each breath I took: Jesus, I trust in You.

As I looked through teary eyes with joy and gratitude at a tiny person onscreen, and heard the glorious sound of a beating heart, the words came again: Jesus, I trust in You.

It seems that the whole act of being a woman is an exercise in trusting God. When women experience infertility, they suffer immense heartache and lean on God, trusting that He will fulfill the desires of their hearts to nurture human life in some way. When women experience fertility and receive life in their wombs, the journey of trust continues. Particularly early on, when each child is tiny and especially vulnerable, we just wait in hopeful, trusting prayer. Jesus, I trust in You.

In the past few years, I have begun to observe in a deeper way the frailty of human life. I've seen a friend bury her young infant, heard about others who suffer the loss of young babies in utero during the first or second trimester, and I've started to realize just how precious each person is. We can never take a human life for granted, and I am thankful for each day that this precious child graces my womb. I don't know how long this child will be with us-perhaps years, maybe months, or even just days. But what I do know is that God is here, holding us in His loving mercy. And so I touch my slowly expanding belly with a smile, the gentle prayer flowing from my heart once more: Jesus, I trust in You.