The Gift of Not Being in Control

Learning to relinquish control would be a good way to summarize the past few months. From the unpredictability of the health climate to mental health trials, there have been many instances where I have been reminded that I am not in control, and I've needed to find the peace and freedom in that. 

Adding the reality of third trimester pregnancy ups and downs to all this further confirms the ongoing theme in my life right now. At the beginning of the third trimester, my midwife discovered that my blood platelet levels were low. I was still in the "safe zone," but she wanted to me to proactively address this before it became a big issue. So, in a frantic attempt to increase my platelets, I began supplementing, eating a ridiculous amount of spinach and lentils, and supplementing some more. At 36 weeks, she drew more labs, and I was hopeful that all of my hard work had paid off...only to find that my platelet count had dropped even lower. I was still in the "safe zone" for homebirth, but only barely. 

I felt devastated. It seemed as if all of my hard work had come to nothing. I could still birth at home--if my platelets didn't go down anymore--but the uncertainty of it all was very difficult. While hospitals are great, and I had a wonderful hospital birth with my first child, I really didn't want to deal with a hospital during the whole mess of Covid-19. As I felt the stress build from this news, I tapped into what I had been learning in therapy, I took a deep breath, and I looked to God. And I reminded myself: "Let go of control." I would still be proactive and take my many supplements, but I wouldn't stress about trying to control a situation that, frankly, was out of my hands. I would do my work, submit to God, and trust that He would take care of us one way or the other. 

At 39 weeks pregnant, my midwife drew more labs and discovered that my platelets went up, which was a tremendous gift and blessing. So, momentarily forgetting my recent lessons in letting go of control, I began diligently eating dates and drinking red raspberry leaf tea. My other two children were born before 40 weeks, so even though I had been telling myself and others that this baby would stick in the womb until 41 or so weeks, I didn't actually believe that would happen. 

I am not in control, and that's a good thing. I discovered the great blessing of having extra days beyond 40 weeks where my husband, children, and I made precious memories. There were some wonderful days where we dove into new adventures and explored, with fresh eyes, this wonderful city that we call home. Physically, I was incredibly uncomfortable and at times very sore, but going beyond 40 weeks was a wonderful gift as we savored quiet and prepared ourselves for the new change that would soon happen. 

However, I am extremely grateful that our sweet baby girl decided to come a few days ago, on the eve of hitting 41 weeks. It was a gloriously beautiful birth in the peace of our home, and I look forward to drifting through my memories and pulling together the story here on the blog. However, I historically do a terrible job of "taking it easy" in the postpartum phase, so this time I am bound and determined to actually rest...at least for a little while! 

So glad to snuggle this bundle of joy on a beautiful Friday morning!

I am so grateful for little Maria, for my delightful boys who love their sister tremendously, and for my amazing husband who has been sacrificing so much to take care of us and get me the rest that I need. I am filled with gratitude for our amazing neighbors, our friends and church community, my wonderful midwife and her assistant, and our relatives, who have all been covering us with so much love and support. Above all, I'm so thankful for God, who, in His mercy and love, has given us this darling little baby to care for. To God be the glory!